Good Deed One

So I went to the washroom to blow my nose as I'm contaminated with a cold.
And what should I so happen to find when I wander into a stall, (where the tissue is slightly softer then the reconditioned cardboard outside) a pink lg shine. Worth like, 200 dollars last time I checked.

Now, last time I checked, getting 200 dollars to replace a cellphone wasnt that simple either. Especially when you simply forgot it while "doing your business"...
So naturally being a nice person, I searched through the contacts to find a "Home" or "Mom and Dad" ... well, this girl doesnt have "home" and "Mom and Dad" weren't picking up.

So I figured maybe she'd been texting recently. the last person that texted her was her boyfriend, so I contacted him and told him I had found the phone.

He told me it was almost dying *it was* and gave me a number for "Winky" (Poor child.) and asked me to call that number. I told him I was in class and would do so in a minute or so.

so I did, and this person was by the school, so we met and I returned the phone.

NOW TO THE GOOD PART.

Poor man tried to pay me. Now while this is common, I dont accept money for the things I do. Unless its from my employer and they're monies owed.

He asked me to take it as he was suprised by the fact that people actually returned things and tried to support "good behaviour" or whatever as much as possible.
I told him I was raised to do the right thing, and that he could keep his money for something he needed, and to have a great day.

Now, while this is all fine and dandy it brings up the question of why, in our society, have we been reduced to offering money for someone doing a favour for us? Now I understand it was an important piece of technology to any person, but why isnt "thank you so much" enough anymore? It is for me, but for those people, who would of taken the money.... why?

Kill me while I choke on your ego.

Now, I may not be a genius, but who in their right mind thinks its a good idea to cut out all the pictures of their ex and then post the "edited" versions (of just them) on facebook?
AND THEN, brag all over it that they are a teacher with a great body and mind?
Mentioning, once, twice, over and fucking over again that they are "on top of their game" and that they "hate being single" and are planning on finding that girl who's worth it?

You my friend, need a fucking reality check.

Honestly speaking, I would never date you.
I'm not attracted to you, and I think you're awfully stuck on yourself lately.
For someone who is "such a good guy" you sure make sure everyone knows about it.
So, are you nice for the sense of it, or for the bitching rights?

It frustrates me how completely dumb you are.
Having an edited picture where you are now just kissing the side of the frame doesnt show that you're empowered and on the prowl, it shows that you have hurt feelings and are trying to lash out at someone who, honestly, couldnt give a damn.

GET A GRIP.

These are some direct quotes, to show how aggravated I am at your utter stupidity. Its people like you, with their ego's overfilling the room, that I have a problem with. Yes, you're a nice guy, yes, you work hard, but no, you do not have the right to make sure EVERYONE knows about it.

*** (name blocked out) has added a new photo album, titled "Pics of me without the ex"

... and that's exactly what they are. Pictures of him, with the ex cut out. I can still see her arm, genius.

Next: The status update,

**** is going girl crazy... I hate being single again!!!! Why is it so hard to meet someone nice???

Are you fucking kidding me? You've been single for like a week. Now is not the time to go girl hunting. YOUR FIANCEE JUST BROKE UP WITH YOU.

And the comments that follow...

**** You're right Val, it didn't last long... enegaged for like 5 frickin days.... my god what is this world coming to... I am going to get it right this time!!! I mean I am a teacher and I have a great body, I know I can meet someone who is great and attractive and I am holding the bar up high this time... it is just really frustrating. On a side note, that was a wild and crazy hockey game... wow : )

Excuse me sir? Is there room in that relationship for someone to love you as much as you love yourself?

Hey Ellen, rest assured I will have fun : ) I have never been one to sit back and let life pass me by, I live life to the fullest but I tell ya the single life is not for me and I know I can get someone who is great... I have faith and I am pretty much at the top of my game at the moment.

Now, excuse me if my assumptions are incorrect. But the guy who sits around talking about how miserable he is and moping in his room the past couple of days... he's at the top of his game? I think not.

Fuck sakes.
Grow up.

January 10th, 2009

I'm so lame.
I hate love. Its emotionally straining, draining, and all togehter not worth it.
I'm starting to not believe in it. I mean, really, if love is really so sought after by the masses, the world is full of lunatics.

Excuse me miss
I seem to have lost track of time
What just happened?
How long have I been lying here?
Spread out on my back
You just confirmed my greatest fear

Sick and tired of being this way
I know how much you hurt
And how you know how hard I tried to change
Right all along, you told me I was fading
Nothing left for them to say
"Goodluck.You're gonna need it boy, you'll need it babe
If you're going to live that way"

Chorus:
I don't believe in love
You don't owe me anything
Believe me when I say
I could change some day

I don't believe in love
You don't owe me anything
If you need a place to hide
I am on your side

I know it's hard to find an open mind
The wildest ones were left behind
And thought they had it all
And knew exactly how we fall

I thought we'd seize the moment
The flames they rose high up to our knees
We tired to hide and hide the lies
I want to be alone
And on my own
All the holy bones
I want to feel alive
But strong on the outside

I've really got nothing good to say. I'm full of mistrust and its infecting my thoughts and emotions and I dont know how to feel any more about what we're doing.
If I was to know the truth I'd be more calm,
externally speaking I am already the definition, but inner turmoil breaks along the ridge of my cerebral patterns and I am just another landmark on your journey, am I not?
But if you were to tell the truth would I truly believe you? suspicious as I am, I would hope to, but I fear the opposite would prove most likely.
It is my own faults that ruin my relationships.

So life goes on

I guess its been a while since I posted.
Im no longer with farmer, I made my decision.
Im with Brenden.

And I think I have an STD, at 18.
Fuck sakes.
Dirty fucking kids.

I have to go to the clinic and get tested, which is just prime. Im so happy.
And I dont know which one its from.
Cause it coulda been from the first, especially if he had anyone in Alberta.
And of course he wouldnt tell me.

Or it could be from Brenden.
Although he says he's clean.
But dont they all say that?

I'll deal with it, I guess.

Complete Honesty?

Honesty is like, a major weasel word.

"Sure, Im so being honest"....

I dont know how its a weasel word but Im going to obtain "Complete Honesty" in a minute.

I like him.
But I like him too.
And I dont know how much I like either of them.
But my heart hurts for it.
This is suffering.
Of a typical-girl-wants-her-cake-and-eat-it-to thing.
I mean, I cant have both of them.
And honestly, that would not make me happy either.

This would be so easy if I wasnt dating one of them.
Especially one I havent seen in three months.
Who was my first.
With his adorable baby face that makes me completely content,
From what I can remember.

But is it time to move on?
Does he deserve such an uncerimonious dumping,
after driving 17 odd hours to see me,
To move home,
In part, because of me?

No one deserves such heart break..

In this supposed triangle, (More like < with me at its point) I believe that either way? Someone is not going to be happy. But, because of me physically and conciously making someone unhappy? That is going to make me unhappy.

This is a lose-lose-lose situation.

And I just want him to fucking kiss me already.
But that would be cheating, and I wont do that.

Missions List

Things to Accomplish in no certain order for order would be to orderly for this dame.

1. Do my evil bidding to the best of my ability.
2. Do others evil bidding to the best of whoever's ability (for ability is meaningless without cause.)


Acctuuaallly, here's the list:

1. Finish English 115 essay on Terrorism
2. Read obasan
3. Read Awakening
4. write Awakening essay
5. do "Souvenier book" project
6. Finish chapter 7 chinese worksheets
7. print off pages (chapters) of Biology, hole punch, put in binder and read.
8. Try not to lose my mind?
9. Steal lego from Couch, build guillotine, and sacrifice Lightning Mcqueen to the roommate gods.
10. Avoid punishment from above action at all costs.

I speak...

I speak to an audience though no one's there.
I show my true feelings, and no one's there.
I turn with turmoil, and still? No one's there.

Remember when fantasies turned into realities, and you were more then just a part of me?

My room is littered with tiny paper circles,
Made from pieces of paper.
Cut, from a mediocre holepuncher.
Because consequently, life without holes is rather meaningless.

My "n" key sticks. I have to press it up to three times for it to commit to sticking on my page.
This is both frustrating and annoying.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Maybe now it wont be so reluctant.

Work sucks. But in a good way. the people are entertaining. Within merits.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Clarice is a girl I could get to know.
Cayle is a boy I dont want to know.
He asked me two days ago (Finally) if I had a boyfriend.
I think the only one who hasnt asked yet, (and has tried/sorta/ to get somewhere with me) is Troy. He is soo... I dont know. Insignificant.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I guess I should ask that you're here when I fall again.
It seems important and inevitable. (NNNNN)
He changes his mind more then Canada' experiences odd weather schemes.

I should really do some work now. I'll make it through.

Turmoil.

I am:
Frustrated, `cause I can tell it's real.
Mad, `cause I don't know how you feel.
Upset, `cause we can't make it right.
Sad, `cause I need you day and night. (Questionable.)
Angry, `cause you won't take my hand. (Distance makes this difficult.)
Aggravated, `cause you don't understand.
Dissapointed, 'cause we can't be together. But still?
I will love you forever.


When I first saw you, I was afraid to meet you.
When I first met you, I was afraid to kiss you.
When I first kissed you, I was afraid to love you.
But now that I love you, I'm afraid I've lost you.

We broke up again. How repetitive. This is the third time now?
I didnt think you flip-flopped this much, Richard.
But apparently, your heart is not at all connected to your actions.
Part of me thinks "There's no way he could conciously do this to me, again"
But then I think back to that time where you said the only way to get rid of Skyleen was to make her break up with you.
Is that what you're doing?
Fucking up on purpose so I get fed up and leave?
But it's never me that does the leaving, is it?
It's always you that gives up.
For once, I wish someone thought I was worth fighting for, you know?
But, you've proved that Im not.

You know, I've been told that "I'm so chill" and calm. That Im "low maintenance".
I thought that was a good thing.

You said you needed to get shit figured out. That's why you were out there to begin with.
But deary? That's why you left.
I realized you hadn't changed shortly after you mentioned that you were.
But I figured, "Hey, if he hasn't realized it, maybe he will change".
But you've realized it, which means that we have to change. To fit your needs. Again.
Like you said, you're no better then when you were here. You're still allergic to the phone.
You might be in love with me, like you so often proclaim, but you dont give a shit about me, do you?

It was said to me by someone close that we wouldnt have been together again if you hadn't of left. And sorry to doubt you dear, but I believe them to be right.
Of course this realization was stinging and delivered on my birthday, but the suffering continues, right?

And, to quote you "Fine, fuck it. Misery on both ends". But who's to say that that is in fact true? Would it not be more accurate to say "Fine, Misery on your end, relief on mine?" You were the one to express your want to be single, not I.

And as a parting jab? I was willing to fight for you. I did fight for you, consistently. Even when every one of your so-called friends told me you weren't worth it.

Alicia is....Wow

...I live in an orange light,

Strictly surviving the plight to prove-

I could stand the fight

That you put yourself through daily;

Crying, "Won't somebody, anybody, save me?!"

But then, where would they be?...

.

.

I hate how the tab doesn't work on this ... website.

.

.

...And all I want is to rock your soul,

All I want is to rock your soul,

All I want is to rock your so-oul...

.

.

I am so happy right now. And its validated to an extent. But I feel the chopping block nears. No one is happy for long, you know?

I guess a better term is melancholic, actually. I am extremely happy at the moment, but far from content, which is the true essence of life. And I know that I am one short dissapointment away from total depression. I work steady to keep my mind blank, its my coping method. Its a diversion method. Anywho, back to the happyness. Its cause Im in love. Really truly honestly kopf over feet in love. Its messed up cause he's so far away. But I do love him.

.

.

I dont really know what else to say. My life does not by any means lack substance without him in it, but it seems to be that way lately. Its either work, or home. I have no inbetween. I will once school starts I guess. I hope. Well, rugby starts then too. It should be awesome.

He talks about just showing up and finding me. He thinks he's coming to Nanaimo before Christmas. Actually, he *knows* he's coming. But Im skeptical. Im hopeful, but skeptical. I miss him so much that I dont. I dont know if thats understandable. Its like, I've forced the ache out. If I refuse to think about it or talk about it or feel, in general... Then I dont cry when I think about him.

.

.

Pam is my moms girlfriend. She is very caring, and very... counsel, like. She sent me a text asking how I was and how things with farmer were. She said she doesnt know if she could handle what Im going through. The long distance, I mean. Which, is very true. She is very sensitive. If her and my mom dont talk at least 4 times in a day she gets depressive. Like "Oh its over, Im going to go drink away my worries."

.

.

I think that I am going to say that our past relationship was training for our current relationship. I mean, its very funny/sad when he is drunk and on the phone crying because he realizes that he was a great asshole a lot of our relationship, but I think that if I had seen him as often as I had wished when he was here, him being gone would tear me apart even more completely.

Does that make sense?

Trying

I'm going to try to write a lengthy post without mentioning someone.

There is this song called "Almost lover" that I listen to lots later. its really good.


I ripped my fingernail off, almost. its like, semi attached. it hurts. yay for being a klutz.
I just want to sleep, and I cant. everything is too loud. even in my head.
I tried cody's meditation method, where you push everything out?
Well, my thought processes are more eminent then my will it seems.
Having the crazy-est dreams lately too. I only remember flashes of feeling though, not what made me feel that way in the first place. and I am waking up uneasy like something really bad is about to happen.

Work is going alright. I get paid on friday and it should be a very large (compared to what I was making) check.

I still have to return my uniforms from subway. and my library book. I think I will get everything done tomorrow morning, seeing as I seem to wake up mega early even when (like last night) I went to bed at 1 in the morning, passed out cause I was under an influence, and was up at 5.
Four hours of restless sleep, only to get up and go to work for 9 hours. Hmmm...



It seems there is something wrong with me and I dont know what it is. Im soooo lazy nowadays too. its frightening.

Im going to try and nap so tomorrow I am more productive. Was this a long post? Hell no. Is it going to get much longer? Probably not.

Out of Focus, Into Me and You

Touch me fool, if you're allowed....
Well now, blunt lyrics.

I'm Aware, that all in love is fair, but that's no reason to make me feel this way.


So, haven't talked to my boy, since Thursday, dont expect to talk to him this week at all, seeing as his friends went up there, and I dont know how long they will be there, and apparently its a big holiday up there and he got the week off... A week. And he just started. That sounds fishy to me, but Im not going to say anything, you know? Its not my place to accuse him of perpetually lying.

Listening to FeFe dobson doesnt help the situation (check some of her lyrics off her first cd).

On my birthday, my mom told me that he wouldnt be my boyfriend if he was still here, and that the only reason we're "together" is so that I dont go find someone else while he's away.
Which, I think is partially true, whether he realizes it or not. But she didnt have to say that on my birthday. It made the rest of the night really shitty.
Plus, he didnt call, cause he thought my birthday was the next day (I know that cause he called and wished me a happy birthday the next day and I laughed and said "yeah, ok" and told him it was the day before and he freaked out. Mostly cause that was the one thing he promised not to screw up.) So, it made the night worse.

On thursday he cried. I dont know if he's acting and can just cry easily or if he actually misses me. Im hoping its the second.
Im too skeptical for my own good. Everything is percieved as fake emotion.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Living in my head, anyone would go crazy.

I want to learn guitar, I picked up my guitar a day that I was really missing him (he's the only one thats ever played that guitar) anywho, and the littlest string snapped. Fuck sakes.
I want to learn Fefe's songs. Lol. I want to learn to skateboard... I want to get mega fit...
But I've secretly got no ambition in this rut that Im in.
Im not even excited about school. Me, the social butterfly slash bookworm with a passion for learning and literature has no interest in it.
But I refuse to be a deadbeat. I just wish that I was an adult, done school, a certified nurse, with a house and a positive pregnancy test.
Isnt that creepy?

..Little red houses down under in my mind, got an 8x10 for ya to sign ...

Alicia Mercedes .... You get the drift.

I am so stressed.
I feel like puking.
I didnt get to sleep until 3.30 last night and I woke up at like 5.30 and have been up since.
I can't get Richard out of my mind and Im afraid of the reasoning.
I think he may of done something stupid last night.

And although I dont want to admit it, the idea of him with Emmilie makes me want to puke.

Some parts of me want to show him this post, when its done. I guess we'll see which part wins over in the end.

I haven't seen him since monday, technically tuesday morning. Tuesday daytime I had to go get an ECP. What boyfriend in their right mind wouldnt call their girlfriend when they know she has to go get one of these things? Apparently he wouldnt. I didnt hear from him until Thursday, when I called to say happy birthday to his mom. Only then did he ask. If I hadnt of taken the pill? It would of been to late by then. Idiot. Then he tells me that Friday he is going to stop by my work to say hi to me. Didnt happen. In the same sentence he tells me he will be spending a lot of time there this weekend cause I work all weekend. Well, I work four days in a row, two of them are already finished. He hasnt been there. We make plans to hang out today. Guess what? Not here. The jury is still out on whether he will show though.

I'm tired of being his girlfriend when he decides to have a girlfriend.
I'm tired of hearing from him/ seeing him once a week.
That isnt a relationship. That's more like a girl on the side.
I understand that his friends are important to him, but I dont seem to factor into that.

Whenever he says he loves me I want to laugh, cause I dont believe him.
That whole ... "Actions speak louder then words" thing makes a lot of sense to me,
And so far he's failing.

He told me last time, (Last sunday, actually.) That if he fucked up again, he'd stop hurting me, he'd walk out of my life forever and leave me alone.
Yeah, cause thats the way to *stop* hurting me.

I just cant believe that that was last week and he's already fucking up again.
Usually you play the sorry attentive boyfriend when you've just had a falling out, non?

I think Im going to take a break from the boy.
I basically am already, only seeing him once a week.

Edit:

I called him. at 11.

I was like "So, so much for waking up at 9 eh?" and he was like "What?" I was like "So you dont remember?" and he was like, thinking, aloud, all like "What am I forgetting today? What is the importance of today" and I was like... "There is nothing important, we were just supposed to hang." and he was like ... "I dont remember. "
And I was like "Well, whatever." And he was like "Well, I gotta work in a half an hour anyways" (When he told me thursday he had today off.) And I was like "Kay" and he was like "Oops" And I was like "Have fun at work then" and hung up.
He hasnt called me back.

School

Lunchtime breaks are for the popular kids to show how many people they can have follow them around for scraps off the bottom of their shoes.
I'd much rather be in class for the duration of all classes and then be free earlier, around 2.20 every day except fridays (12.50ish) then get a multitude of useless breaks. I mean, seriously. Where is the necessity?

Other then that, I'm just aggravated at everything lately and all I want to do is cuddle up to my boyfriend and fall asleep for a long time.

I re arranged my room, again. Its all different, except the desk.
The desk seems to be the only thing that doesnt move.
sometimes the long dresser, but only because I cant put it anywhere else without it looking like a safety hazard.

I saw Richard yesterday, but only momentarily as I had a bus to catch and he had to work. You know? I want to sleep.
I just want to sleep.

I think my mother is going to put me on these "health shakes" apparently they've done wonders for a few family friends of ours, made them all happy and focused.
Im thinking its a placebo effect.
Unless its jacked with artificial endorphins, if thats' even possible.

Im suprised that my school allowed this site, it doesnt allow anything anymore.
Its more because "School computers are not to be used for social networking" of anything like that. Games are strictly forboedn as well, and yes, I spelt that wrong purposely.
I think they're trying to prevent "cyberbullying" as well.
What a crock of shit.
If someone has enough time on their hands to dislike you for whatever reason, they are going to find a way to make it known. even if it is over the internet. There is no use preventing it at school, you know? Its just gunna happen when they get home because it seems like every thirteen year old kid knows how to run a computer these days.

Its fucking bullshit.


Im so edgy lately, and snapping at everyone. It isnt like me, and Idont enjoy it.
I really want to just grab my bag, stand up, leave and never come back.
Maybe I'd take a bus to a little shit town in the states, get an apartment and work waitressing at the local "diner" ....
Just my luck they'd make me wear pink.

200 posts? And a new song?

Well, Im in love with a stripper.
Not really though.
I was just kidding.
But I am in love with a man.
Me, in love.
Try to hold your sides people.

So, I've a new current song obsession. Its like... my "Why wasnt this available earlier?" song...
Like, "Hey I love you, why dont others see that you're the only one?" kinda song.
Which is oddly obsessive but, not really.
Just, well, Read the goddamn lyrics.

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
Up up down down left right left right
B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But youYou are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you


so yeah.... I kinda like the band... Moldy Peaches, what a name, eh?

Silly me.

If he ever read any/all of this, he'd be surpised.
He'd be silent.
Oh what I would do for that type of silence.
Not saying that he talks alot, but the silence of awe is a wonderful thing.
I want to write a lofty teenage novel.
One that doesnt say anything, doesnt mean anything.
One that isnt deep, isnt important, and will sell a million copies.
I've decided to name my main character Aphid.
Cute, right?
Just because its a brainless book doesnt mean it cant have name symbolism.
Aphid the bug, is gunna get smashed.
Or, drunk, maybe?
Another term for smashed?
Lets see how clever this all turns out.


Buy my book if my scheme works, btw.
I'll sign it for ya.

I hate this.

I am not a jealous person by trade.
I do not envy other people, because everyone has their flaws.
I do not feel threatened by 16 year old girls.

So why the fuck is she driving me nuts?

I believe that they havent done anything,
And that if they have, it wasnt while we were together.
But why is she so persistent?

I dont want to make him choose.
More because that's not me.
But I almost feel forced to.

She's driving me nuts!
Calling him baby, telling him she's in love with him, and she'll show him a good time.

This shouldnt bug me.
I should just be able to write it off as a schoolgirl crush/semi-crazy obsession.

But I cant

So, Cody posted, which made me remember that I had a blog, so I posted.
Two of my aunts, if I have the story right, have died in the past 3 days.
I only met either of them once in my life, and it was a very good time on both occasions.
They were my grandmothers aunts..

I have a c+ in math 11 as my final grade.
1.5 percent off of an B.
I've never been so angry at myself in my life.
I refuse to even tell my mother.

Im so busy, that in my free time, Im basically vibrating from excess adrenaline.
Im either working, or in choir, or volunteering, or doing homework, or something along those lines.
I still have to complete my german homework.
I need time.
Everything is catching up.

I still dont even have a prom dress.
Shit, I was supposed to call them today.

Ceara, I, and Our Combined Awesome.

Ceara: youre hot sex?

Me: Every day? In the church courtyard? Under the burning cross? WIth our love on fire? I still have to write you a dirty poem.

Ceara: yes after sex i want no more love of you i hope it turns to ashes and i accidentally delete you from my friends page

Me: Isnt it that way with every realationship?
Sex then poof, like the pheonix, ashes!

So, I'll write you a poem, because I promised you one.
I'll accept no demands, my mission is one. (Cum, darling, Cum.)
Your voice is a clarinet, with a strong reedy blow,
And underlying promises, of what lay below. (Oh below, oh below)
I fear I must end this, As not many things rhyme,
But I'll find the underwear you lost, in time (In time, in time)

Ceara: you write songs ill play the demos and well sell them dealio?

Alicia: you think Im good enough to write songs?Can I sing? Or we can both sing!
Yes. that will work

.I'll write you a song
I know it'll be all wrong
But it'll come from the heart
And thats a start

The lyrics will be easy
Quite lewd and sleasy
But we get along
Yes, we get along

(chorus)
And I'll write you a tune
That you can take to the moon
In your little, yellow, spaceship
And we'll sing and we'll play
And we'll touch the day away
In your little, yellow, spaceship

You'll look towards the back
While I stare at your rack
And ponder the days gone by
As I fly, higher then high.

chorus

Ceara:sadly, i hummed along to that

Alicia: Sadly?

and how the humming went, say you?
I'll keep writing if it pleases you.
This rhyming thing, its a disease
It'll have me yet, on my knee's
With a gag in my mouth, begging it to stop
While three witches sit silently, stirring the pot.

Ceara: it went dadadadadadadadadadadadadada see?
perfect
and i used to love rhyming
youre inspiring

Alicia:
Inspiring, though I screwed up the last bit.
But alas, a tit for tat and a tit for tit? (:P)
I'll have to stow these away,
And we can look back on them someday
Though I do believe you own me one
You know, for making you cum.
A poem for a poem, A brief, for a brief?
Mixing languages is quite... unbequeath.
I dont know if thats a word, but I will say it is so
The first one to challenge me? My mortal foe.

Tada.

Magnetism?

It seems to be, when I really need someone, or even just want them a tad more then just casually, they show up. Now, I dont mean romantically. I mean like a burning need to talk to them, even if they're just a friend. Its happened before, lots, with Cody, as most people know. It happens at school all the time too, as soon as I get it into my head that I need to talk to someone, they show up.
So I wonder, will it work tonight?
Somehow I dont trust it when it comes to him.
So, Im going to take action, I know, me, taking action, big suprise.
When I call, hopefully he'll answer.
But I dont know what I want to say, I just know that I need to say it.
Need to say it desperately.
So much that its making my chest feel like someone's sitting on it, and my head feel like there isnt enough oxygen.
I dont understand how he does this to me.
Its never happened before.
The only emotion I can compare this with is like a dreaded fear.
How can you fear calling someone?
I think its more the fear of what they'll say.
But, if you stay on safe topics, how is that an issue?
I fear that I need to talk about an unsafe topic.
A topic so dangerous that the issue itself hangs from a glass thread.
The slightest wind, will smash it.
How is this possible?
Why do I feel this way?
Will the phone call, as I hope, make the feeling go away?
What about the other possibility? What if it gets worse?

Some Random Bits O' Poetry

Basically, things I've found randomly, on looseleaf, that I sorta remember writing.

Petting pawing

Biting Clawing

Smooth Rough

Obsession

Alluring Tempting

Law Abiding

Citizen Involving

Addictive

Always Revolving

Never Stopping

Turning Tumbling

Passionate

You wanted to be with me
I wanted to be alone
You asked how you could be near me
And I pointed to the phone
You seem to have no chance
To you it isnt clear
I'll always choose another
Never shedding a tear

Just once more

Tell me once more how it goes

'cause I cant remember anymore

But I know

Everythings been left behind

We arent feeling anything

So just once more

Tell me how it used to go

How we used to live

How we felt

Because we arent feeling anymore

See this?
Yeah, this here is me
Written in ink
First draft

Oh, if my english teachers saw this
I wonder if they know

If they know how many half baked,

Half concious

Penned first drafts they recieved

They gave A's too.

If they only knew.

They say things in languages only they understand

Convey emotion and set themselves up

Hide their vulnerability in their strength

In their wit and classic charm

Realizing only afterwards the fools they made themselves

But everyone has 20/20 hindsight
Everyone see's what they *should* have done.

Half finished poems

trailing off in thought

a not-quite-finished masterpiece

not well drawn out

just spiralling down

making less and less sense

as the stanza's grow

an undefined concept

perpetual confusion...

Transfixed

A hand reaches toward the flame

reaches toward the scorching heat

unaware of the consequences

of the blistering pain attached

to such a hypnotizing beauty

The flame dances playfully
and licks the hand invitingly

giving the warmth without the sting

tempting the hand to go further

convincing it that it hasnt,

found the real treasure

and almost there,

the hand begins to feel the pain

awakened to a new sensation

too horrified to pull away

having successfully surrendered

its power and free will

to the uncontrollable majesty

of fire.

Tada, So they arent all poems I guess. Unless you're very forgiving of half baked free verse. Comment?

Lawls. Thinking Makes Me Think

So, We're all talking online. And I wrote this for me, essentially, then it branched, and now hopefully you'll read it and its for you too.

So here goes:

I guess I of all people
should know how I feel
should know how I want things
to go, to turn out
but, I bet you know better,
then I do,
I bet most people do

Bets are dangerous things
we already figured this out
But it was a learning experience
I found out how detatched I could make myself
How distant and un-needing
You found out how weak your efforts were,
and that not everyone gave you what you wanted on a silver platter,
no matter how deviously you attempted to obtain it.

You say we mesh well, that we've got chemistry
you actually state these things as fact.
Thats a difference between us
You know it to be truth, and I'm scared to voice the same opinion,
even after constantly wondering why I felt, feel, so comfortable with you.

I am a walking contradiction
Linds would most likely call me a
"teenaged girl with the mind of a hormonally driven teenage boy"
at this point....

I'll explain why.

Its like, in my head, I could take him or leave him.
I rejected him at the last party, but I dont know if he remembers
I'm fickle, things seem to have to be my way, or else... well, Im not
interested. He kissed me and I didnt kiss back, which is both cruel
and unexplainable. But it didnt feel right, so I didnt "respond"

Other times, Im tickling and poking him, till no end, either
because Im bored or just want attention.
Which, I have no problems with admitting that sometimes
I need a lot of attention to satisfy me, actually, it happens often
Though, quiet-alone time is necessary as well.
Back to the boy though...

Im indecisive, I like being around him, and feel comfortable,
but still dont trust him completely.
But then, what 17 year old,
female especially, doesnt have trust issues?
With all the shit with date-rape drugs and all this other
nasty stuff, how can you be totally trusting?

Not that I think he'd do that in any way shape or form.
He's actually rather ....gentlemanly?
I mean, we've kissed, but he hasnt tried to force me to do more
after I told him "too fast" in like, October.
lawls.

Katie knows the stories, she cares about me,
which is awesome.
because although I have my fair share of friends, not all of them are true.

She say's he's trying really hard by the sounds of it, and she even knows about the
"You're a girl and Im a boy" comment.

She wonders (aloud) if I'll ever give in, just let go and feel sorta thing.
She says I think too much that I need to just .. "release"

I think she was trying to be deep.
Or full of wisdom.
But, then again, she also says that he's the girl in the relationship.

He tells me that he misses me almost everytime we talk
I've tried sayin it, it doesnt work, I just sputter,
and switch the topic.

And I do miss him, I know that.
And I can say that, to other people,
just not to him.

I think its a power thing.
I hate the feeling that any one person other then my mother
could have power of any sort over me, and by saying that I miss him,
Im giving him power, showing vulnerability.

Not going to happen anytime soon, but Im working on it.
I promise.

I hope I've made sense through all this.
I know how sometimes I go off on a tangent and get all....
Well, no one understands but me.
Though I think its perfectly clear.
I forget sometimes, that not everyone can see into my head,
and understand how my thought processes work.


-Comment?

Leasha

Explaination

I really dont know how to explain how I feel right now.
The best way I can attempt is that I ache.
I ache, and I dont know why, nor can I really control it.
And then I focus on the ache, and it expands, and I lose the idea that I need to breathe.
I havent cried, not a single tear.
I dont see how it would help the situation. It wouldnt make me feel better,
It would just make me well... look like I'd just been crying.

The stupidest things remind me of him, and I wince.
Like, the whole win, or lose situation.
Which is just things he used to say all the time, basically.

I speak like he's gone, dead.
And, in a way, he is.
He's gone from me.

How could I get this attached to something I never had, never owned.

The only thing I can think to do is write.
To write it out, release it, and absolve it from myself.

There's so many people out there, how can you just focus on one?
But then again, how can one person do this to another, conciously,
I still dont understand the reasoning.

I have a lot of guy friends.
Maybe it should just stay that way.
Just friends.

Another thought dwindles, could we be friends after this?
Do I want to?
Will that just further injure my psyche?
Does he still want to be friends?

There are so many questions I am craving to ask,
And there are so many answers Im afraid to hear.
But if I knew, would that not give closure?
If I dont ask, and Im most certain he wont volunteer the information,
will it still be ok?
The idea of suffering isnt appealing, but is it really?

Will I become that oversensitive, who looks like they've just been stung,
staring out with hurt eyes?
Could my sense of self worth take such a beating?
I dont think so.

So, I'll carry on, because I've no other choice.
I'll move on, or at least say I have.
I'll continue to put a smile on my face, and I'll turn the page.

So I've missed some months.

I havent been writing much of anything.
I had some fun this summer instead.
Kinda, got a life? Maybe?
Or just, figured it wasnt important enough to write about.
But, tonight I sat down and just started writing.
And, if I could write music with my guitar, I'd have a song.
I dont know if its any good yet, cause I dont even know what type of melody would go with it.
But I have a start, I have the lyrics.
Here:

How can I say this when its been said, so many times before?
How can I put this into words you wont ignore?
Where do I begin to tell you how I feel?
I guess for you it was too real.

And all I want to tell you is that I love you
All I want to say is that I care
Its so hard to admit this to you
Cause this time tomorrow you wont be there

I see you're leaving
Your stuff is packed and at the door
You said you couldnt take it
Couldnt take the ups and downs anymore

And all I want to tell you is that I love you
All I want to say is that I care
Its so hard to admit this to you
Cause this time tomorrow you wont be there

And Im going to keep singing till my voice is hoarse
Keep belting it out till there's no more chorus
Wishing every word could be as important as what you mean, to me

All I want to tell you is that I love you
All I want to say is that I care
Its so hard to admit this to you
Cause this time tomorrow you wont be there

Wont be there.

Tada.
Its ok for a first effort draft try thing a ma bob er.

Holy Parallel Universe Batman.

I just realised I have 10 more days of school till Eurotour.
And then one day of school after Eurotour.
And only 40 more days on this Continent.
That is saddening. Actually, its downright depressive.

In 40 days the journey is over.
I still feel like its just begun.
I cant actually see myself going home.
Though I can see myself waiting 7 hours in the Seattle Airport.
I have no idea what I am going to do for 7 hours in the Seattle Airport.
I think I will just sit there numbly thinking about Austria.
I know my mom wants me home.
and it makes me wonder why I dont want to go home.
I love my mom and all, but Im not attached to her anymore.
I cant tell what she is feeling when Im not there anymore.
She is frightened of losing that connection, I didnt even feel it slip away.

I still have to tell my school that my last day of school is the 5th of June.
I still have to talk to my old host sister and get her to give me the 30€ when
I give her the key to the locker.

I have to clean out my locker.
and buy some summer clothes.
and throw out the clothes that dont fit anymore.
By throw out I mean give away.

I have to say goodbye, and I so dont want to.
And its no use saying 'you have 40 days'
because I dont.
I have 10 to say goodbye to my friends at school.
I have eurotour to say goodbye to my exchange student friends.
and I have a couple of days after euro tour to say goodbye to my host family.

This is so gunna suck.

Mir Scheißegal

I just keep remembering your hands
And I just keep thinking about how this is never going to end
I just keep hearing the things that you’re saying,
But Im not taking any of it in.

I want to be famous.
Not like that ‘Once fucked, Twice Fried’ famous.
That famous that actually means something.
That inspiring-educating-informative-self realizing way.

I want to be noticed.
I know I am already.
But I want to be noticed for something,
Something important.

There are things I have to remember about the exchange year.
Mostly catch phrases.
Like:

‘We’re not Alcoholics, We’re exchange students’
‘Is that a porno or a music video?’
’Morning!’
’I will be happy, damnit.’

Stuff like that.

Im so fucking confused.
I mean, I don’t know if I want to leave.
I don’t know if I like him.
I don’t know whats going on.
And I really need to get some air.

In the sense of I need to get out,
Just talk to a friend that would understand.
But those don’t exist here.
Thinking about it, they didn’t really exist in Canada either.
There was no one person that knew Everything.
There was a bunch of people that knew a bunch of little things.
And if they pieced it all together, they still wouldn’t know the half of it.

I hate how weak I’ve become.

Psyche

In der Hand die kleine Lampe,
In der Brust die große Glut,
Schleichet Psyche zu dem Lager,
Wo der holde Schläfer ruht.

Sie errötet und sie zittert,
Wie sie seine Schönheit sieht
-Der enthüllte Gott der Liebe,
Er erwacht und er entflieht.

Achtzehnhundertjährge Buße!
Und die Ärmste stirbt beinah!
Psyche fastet und kasteit sich,
Weil sie Amorn nackend sah.

Im to lazy to translate, so I used the Dictionary.com translator, which missed half the words.
Have fun.

In the hand the small lamp,
in the chest the large glow,
creep psyche to the camp,
where the holde rest
they erroetet and it trembles,
like it its beauty sees
-Der revealed God of the love,
it awaked and it entflieht.

Achtzehnhundertjaehrge Busse!
Und the poorest one dies beinah!
Psyche chamfered and kasteit themselves,
because she saw Amorn nackend.

So, you get the jist of it. Its about something famous, I forget.

Oooooohhh

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

My bank transfer went through today.

I now have money in my account.

So I took 300 euro out,

to pay for ski camp

WHICH IS IN 2 DAYS.

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder

And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor

As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

I got a picture of Leo for Linds.

He is an awesome kid,

half the time everyone hates him though.

Because all the teachers like him,

and he boasts a bit.

But I just think its all rather funny.

And this is the room

One afternoon I knew I could love you

And from above you how I sank into your soul

Into that secret place where no one dares to go

I walked home today.

Bought some eyeshadow,

and some gum,

and a lot of batteries.

Found a wallet on the sidewalk.

It was raining.

I just picked the wallet up,

and kept walking.

Smooth as butter.

There was 50 euro in it.

It would of been so easy just to take the money,

and leave the wallet lying there.

But instead, I brought it home,

looked the woman up in the phonebook,

called her, and told her I found her wallet.

Her hair is maginificent.

Red black and orange curls.

Like, Woah.

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking

And dad would dream of all the different ways to die

Each one a little more than he could dare to try

Other then that, I leave in 2 days.

To meet a bunch of friends.

And a bunch of newbies.

Shit, I gotta pack prezzies and cards.

Oh well.

Alicia, out.

Untitled.

Hey Hey You You
I don't like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I could be your girlfriend

Alicia is to obtain a photo of Leonhard,

For Linds.

He's got a cute smile.

And shares knowing smirks with me,

When someone is being a complete idiot.

Its fun, having a sort of ally.

Hey Hey You You

I know that you like me

No way No way

No, it's not a secret

Hey Hey You You

I want to be your girlfriend

I've got more and more friends daily.

More and more of them are realizing that Im cool.

Even the blonde devil in my class is easing up.

Slightly.

You're so fine

I want you mine

You're so delicious

I think about you all the time

You're so addictive

Don't you know

What I can do

To make you feel alright

I've been looking at horoscope shit lately.

Apparently I think I rule the universe.

And Im really shallow and vain.

Oh, and Linds and me would be passionate.

And Aaron and I would be like.. workable.

And Cody and I would be able to read each others minds.

Who fucking figured.

Don't pretend

I think you know

I'm damn precious

And hell yeah

I'm the mother fucking princess

I can tell you like me too

And you know I'm right

Tomorrow it is quite possible,

That I am not going to school tomorrow.

I have to go to the Visa office first.

And depending on how long that takes..

She's like so whatever

You can do so much better

I think we should get together now

And that's what everyone's talking about

Life is going pretty good,

I know Im going to miss Austria now.

At first I wasnt so sure.

But at first I had no friends

no real connections with anyone in my daily life.

Now I've got a family that I love,

Friends who I adore,

Who also think Im insane, but thats a give in.

Extroverted Canadian versus Someone Introverted,

Civilised, and Austrian.

Hmm

Hey Hey You You

I don't like your girlfriend

No way No way

I think you need a new one

Hey Hey You You

I could be your girlfriend

Im running out of things to say.

But the song isnt over yet!

Imma just post the rest.

Deal?

Hey Hey You You

I know that you like me

No way No way

No, it's not a secret

Hey Hey You You

I want to be your girlfriend

I can see the way

I see the way

You look at me

And even when you look away

I know you think of me

I know you talk about me all the time

again and again

So come over here and tell me what I wanna hear

Better, yet, make your girlfriend disappear

I don't wanna hear you say her name ever again

Because...She's like so whatever

You can do so much better

I think we should get together now

And that's what everyone's talking about

Hey Hey You You

I don't like your girlfriend

No way No way

I think you need a new one

Hey Hey You You

I could be your girlfriend

Hey Hey You You

I know that you like me

No way No way

No, it's not a secret

Hey Hey You You

I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger

'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better

There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in

She's so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger

'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better

There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in

Anyone possibly want to download then send to me?

Pretty Please?

She's so..

Did I forget about the simple rule of life
You pay a price for all your choices
Well I`ve learned my lesson
Looking from the other side

Guy who sings the song is named Tobias Regner.

Go figure.

Alicia's bank card didnt work again today.

But she emailed Ingrid, and she said,

that it was ok and could be late.

So basically Rotary is gunna pay it for me,

And then go "Hey, Alicia, you gotta pay us back"

every five minutes.

BUT I STILL GET TO GO.

I thought that I was through

Don't know who's fooling who cause

Shes, She's so unforgettable

She's so unerasable

It kills me slowly not to be around her

So, She's so unforgivable

And if I never understood

It hits me now

She's so damn good

I had a daydream.

In it, I owned a green jeep,

Was camping, with my mom and her girlfriend

Yah, she had a girlfriend,

Oh, and Cass and my boyfriend.

You dont need to know who that was.

I had a party with 50 people,
got engaged,
got pulled over by the cops,
(For having my music too loud.)

And someone asked me to sleep with him,

which made me laugh.

I talk myself into that bullshit all the time

At least it made me so much wiser

I tell my friends I really got her off my mind

Then I told my mom I was,

engaged and not a virgin.

Just like, a passing comment.

And she was like "uh, what?!"

Then I explained to her,

That when my grandmother took me,

to Austria for a vacation,

I snuck out, leaving her sleeping,

in my host families house,

And ran into a friend..

Yeahhh....

Did I say that I was through?

Don't know who's fooling who cause

She's so unforgettable

She's so unerasable

It kills me slowly not to be around her

She's so unforgivable

And if I never understood

It hits me now

She's so damn good

Other then that, I get to pay 1230€

But my bank card isnt working

I also missed my german lesson today

Because she made it an hour earlier.

And didnt tell me.

Then blamed it on me that I had a free hour

the hour before the class, so she couldnt find me,

Though in the break she was talking to my friend,

sitting right fucking beside me,

and could of told me then.

Wish what I feel

Could be for real

Not just a one way cry

That don't seem to fly

I was going to make a post totally in German.

But then I thought of Linds.

So I figured Id be nice.

Though she thinks I have the mindset,

Of an undersexed teenaged boy.

I dont hold it against her.

She's so unforgettable

She's so unerasable

It kills me slowly not to be around her

She's so unforgivable

And if I never understood

It hits me now Shes

She's so damn good

So this lady that goes on my bus every once in a while talked to me.
She said "wow, its hot," and took off her toque. (Its pronounced tuuk)
Then she asked me to set the time on her cellphone cause she didnt understand it.
Well, I dont really understand cellphone german either, but I knew enough from
fiddling around on my sisters and looking at the pictures.
So I set it for her.
Then she started talking about the mountains and snow.
But she said mountain instead of berg.
So I knew she spoke english.
So I interupted asking, and we started talking in english.
I think she is from like, Jamaica.
Nice lady.

Bank Card wasnt working today.
I tried it 3 times. Then it was like "sorry, no more trying"
Said I had the wrong pincode.
I know my pincode.
And I need to pay my skicamp
By tomorrow!.


Shitshitshitshit

Weekend.

Hello? Is anyone there? Can anyone hear me? Can anyone feel me? Am I even here? Im feeling like Im floating. And not in that good, on a light cloud way. On that weird sinking gravity confusing cloud way. It could be the fact that my life is basically a rollercoaster right now, and I have only slept 3 hours, and have school tomorrow. I really wish I was Chels, she doesnt have to go to school, she just lounges on the Thai beaches.
I was so excited about Eurotour, and I might not be able to go, because of the stupid Visa, which I didnt get around to obtaining. Well, I tried, back in December, and then I forgot about it after the school break ended. Then I remembered and I have everything I need for it, but I have to go with my councellor, and he is like, not returning my calls. But if I dont have it
by March 15th the latest, I might not be able to go. Fuck.
I also have to email my mom and ask her to fax me some thing saying from her that I am allowed going, as we are going to a whole lot of different countries. Im going to Spain and Holland and Cheq. and Italy and the whole tour starts about a half hour away from where I live. Which means I dont have to take a 4 hour train with pent up nerves of seeing everyone again. And I can go early, because its not far. Or I could sleep in and go late.
We went to Zankl yesterday and today. My host sister was a bit sad because the younger one didnt show up, and the older one did, and was being a bit of an ass. Though no one seemed to remember him being an ass before, I do. It was funny for me. But he was still hitting on me and stuff, so thats always fun. Then (this was saturday) we went home and my other host sisters best friend and her were like, a bit on edge, so the friend hung out with me and the younger host sister and they fell asleep at 2 or so. Alicia did not have that luxury.
She fell asleep at 3.30 and woke up at about 5 because she was cold. So she ran upstairs, grabbed her blanket and ran back down. We all slept on the same couch, three of us girls. Then Alicia fell back asleep about 7, and we woke up at 8 and had breakfast (which was fresh from
Italy) and played a really complicated version of Uno (when a 9 is up you have to slap hands down, last one down has to take two cards, when a 1 is up, you have to connect thumbs up signs and the one on the top takes a card, when a 7 is up, you switch hands counterclockwise.) and
an Italian game and watched some movies. Then we went back to Zankl, at about 6pm, after Tati (Tatiana. 13, sluttish.) showed up. Played some foosball, stole a ball so we dont have to pay an euro every time, (we just put cardboard in the goals, then the ball goes in, but not down.) drank some sprite (Im the only one old enough to drink Alcohol, and really didnt want to.) got bored and went home. Tati is sleeping here tomorrow. She is avery odd girl. My host sister Eva says that she doesnt like her. But then Tati says she has the number of the younger, that Eva likes, and all of a sudden they are gossiping and giggling like lifemates. Its kinda sad, how much Eva wants the number.

Song break:

Mach die Augen zu und Küss mich.
Und dann sag das du mich liebst.
Ich weis genau, es ist nicht wahr.
Doch ich spüre keinen Unterschied, wenn du dich mir hingibst.

And for Linds, (And others?) the less romantic english version!
Roughly Translated by me personally!

Close your eyes and kiss me.
And then say that you love me
I know that its is not true,
but there is no difference if you give yourself to me.

Im thinking Im too lazy to translate the whole song.
Read it here if you want the whole damn thing. ^^Click Here. +)

I dont know what else to say, writing for the sake of writing gets boring it seems.
There is this cute boy in the class of my friends. I hang out there in the break. (Only one break, 15 minutes. So sad.)He talks to me, one day I was on the computer when he was beside me, (this was in my free block) and he was all "Wow, look how fast she types," and started imitating me, which, really, all he did was pound the keyboard. I actually articulate thought, for the most part. There is another boy in that class, he always talks to me too, but not cute. He is always "Hello! How are you,So, where exactly do you live? Do you need money? (This was when I was buying something at the canteen) "Good english.
Tomorrow I have two hours first thing of history. I dont like my history teacher. He asked me a question one dayconcerning History, like "What are your views on the downfall of the Roman empire" or some shit, cause he didntrealize I am an exchanger. Then he was all "oh, I didnt know" when everyone started laughing and saying "ya, she doesntknow much german".
I do, really, they just dont need to know that. Its not my fault that they dont have the patience to let me think about it.I can write better then I can speak though. Its that whole, afraid of saying it wrong because I usually do thing. But whatever.
I have to play Volleyball on the 6th of March in a school tournament.
Apparently Tati and Eva are going to Zankl tomorrow. I have 12 hours school (till 6pm) tomorrow, and then Volleyball after. It never seemed like a lot of time back home, being at school till 6. Here it is like, a life sentence.